Illuminati

Welcome to week 11 of my blog challenge, in which I write about whichever topic wins in a Facebook poll. The topics, suggested by my friends, have ranged from The Benefits Religion Has Had on Society, to if Bitches be Trippin. The genesis of this challenge was my indecision. I couldn’t settle on what to blog about, so I left it up to others. Don’t blame me if you don’t like what I write about, I didn’t come up with it. Since then it has become far more than passing the buck of responsibility, it has become an indispensable writing exercise. My main issues with writing (other than lack of confidence) are over analyzing, excessive research, and incessant re-writing. By giving myself only 24 hours to write at least 500 words on a previously unknown topic, I don’t have the luxury to indulge my insecurities. I have to sit down and write, and by God that is what I’m doing. People have read more words of mine in the past few weeks than in the past several years put together. So far, the feedback has been mostly positive. My (non-manic) confidence is at an all-time high. For the first time in my life I’m beginning to believe I can produce something worthwhile without months of study and forethought. I feel like I can write something interesting about anything.

That is what led to my downfall. Like the Emperor, my overconfidence is my weakness. When I asked for this week’s topic I threw down the gauntlet and dared my friends to try to suggest something I couldn’t write about. Well, M. Elisabeth Howell gave it her best. So, without further ado:

How all of this week’s suggestions are interconnected and evidence of a global conspiracy.

Combing all of this week’s suggestions into one post as evidence of a global conspiracy might be daunting to someone blind to the truth, but not me, because I’ve known about the conspiracy for years. My life is in danger now that everyone knows that I know, and my only hope is to spread the word.

 

Every aspect of your social life is being carefully controlled by the Illuminati. Everything from which talentless teen “musician” tops the charts, to the arbitrary ban on adverbs. Our overlords have convinced publishers that augmenting a verb is tantamount to literary sadism, that somehow adding a “ly” to a word will bring Western Civilization to its knees.

Don’t look at me like that, it’s true. I first learned about it from Elisabeth herself. She has been covertly revealing secrets of the Illuminati in her daily blog Evening Light (Get it? Light? Illuminati?) Her blog is full of subliminal messages that are an attempt to free you from the oppression of our global overlords. That is why after you read one of her blogs you don’t feel so alone in this world, you feel like someone else is going through the same things as you.

And that is just what the Illuminati don’t want. They want you be feel abandoned, powerless, and alone. They want to divide and conquer. They want us to pay more attention to our differences than our similarities, and here is the proof:

Our culture abhors masturbation. Parents tell their children that if they don’t stop touching themselves, they will go blind, yet they will feed them thousands of chicken nuggets every year. Masturbation leads to stress relief when chicken nuggets leads to obesity. It’s not about health, it’s about control and sexual repression. If people weren’t ashamed of masturbating (face it, they are all doing it anyway) they would be more relaxed sexually, which would lead to better sex, which would lead to happier and freer people. The Illuminati doesn’t want that.

Still don’t believe me? How about the fact that people that argue against the Affordable Care Act they say that men shouldn’t have to pay for pre- and postnatal care because they don’t have babies, but they never talk about boner pills being covered, or prostate exams. Is it any wonder why women are so pissed? They have to constantly fight just to have the “privilege” to have incredibly uncomfortable and invasive (and lifesaving) exams, while at the same time men squirm and balk at the mere idea of having a Vasectomy. No wonder women tend to prefer circumcised men. They say it is aesthetics, but I think it is their subtle way of getting back at us. They smile every time they think about the fact that a man had to get the tip of his dick snipped off for no good reason. In fact, it’s a little known fact that it was a woman that came up with circumcision, not God. The “Burning Bush” was slang meaning roughly the same as “Fire Crotch”. Moses didn’t make the Covenant with a flaming shrubbery, but from a redhead that was tired of all his misogynistic crap. That was also the origin of spiteful passive-aggression. It has saved many a man’s life. Let’s face it, if people didn’t hold onto and retaliate against little meaningless grudges, shit would build up until someone ended up with a knife in the eye.

 

Wow, I feel good getting that off my chest. Now you know the truth too. If I die under “suspicious circumstances” you know why.

 

Anyway, thanks for reading. Hopefully I’ll still be around next week.

~Oz