Thanks Getting

And here I was, all ready to write a Thanksgiving blog about what I am thankful for. But, in a last minute run on votes, the winning blog challenge is “What Have Turkeys Thanked Me For.” That’s simple—Not a damn thing. Turkeys are notoriously ungrateful.

Not once has a turkey thanked me for anything, or given me a nod of appreciation, or a fist bump, nothing. Granted, I’ve done nothing to warrant it. Up to this point in my life my only interaction with turkeys has been shoving my hand into various cavities, slathering their skin with butter, and tossing them into an oven like some twisted B-rated animal sequel to Saw. Not only have turkeys never thanked me or anything, I’d bet they outright hate me. I’d bet the only reason they haven’t risen up in revolt is because they are wickedly stupid. Like, however stupid you think they are, it is worse. Turkeys make Lloyd and Harry from Dumb and Dumber seems smart. Turkeys are to the bird kingdom what Sara Palin is to the Republican Party; once a year both get a lot of media attention but the only thing they can contribute are nice breasts and thighs, and both believe in the myth that they should represent America.

I’m sorry, that was unfair. I have a tendency to cross the line when in the middle of a rant. Turkeys are devastatingly stupid and ungrateful, but to say they are like Sara Palin is too low. Turkeys will eat themselves to death and drown in the rain if they look up, but they aren’t hypocritical assholes like Palin.

Sorry turkeys, I hope you can forgive me. No? Ungrateful sons-a-bitches…